I've been feeling like crap all evening. I haven't been able to figure out what it is for hours. I took my medicine on time, so that's not it. I'm rarely lonely. The benefit of being an only child is being okay with being alone with yourself. But, there is something irritating me just under the surface and I can't figure out what it is. There are bad things in my life just like there are good - that's just how life is. However, I don't think it is the obvious bad things that are getting to me tonight. I'm so irritable and so... not-positive-feeling that I don't even feel like reading. It takes a lot to make me not want to read, so something is seriously wrong. It's not really an illness thing today. I actually feel fine right now, which for a chronically ill person like me should mean that it is a REALLY good day. It's not a good day, though - at least not the last couple of hours.
Part of me wants to text message my dad... but he's a DAD. He does that distinctly male thing where he fails to do the empathetic listening and just wants to solve the problem for me and move on to the next task at hand. Plus, he refuses to listen to me if there is even the remotest hint of whining or crying. 99% of the time I'm totally okay with that. Frankly, being raised by him has led to me being that type of person too. Tonight, I don't want that. I don't want a male. I don't want any of my favorite people: my husband, my father or my male cousin with whom I'm really close.
I have a couple of "mothers" I could turn to; but, one is my mother-in-law who has NOT been happy with me since Christmas Eve (and who now refers to me as "that American girl") and the other is my stepmother. Let's just say that I have a much better relationship with my mother-in-law. My stepmother has blocked my e-mail address from being able to send her e-mails and this is a relatively good period in our relationship! I have a very, very good friend who is very loving and motherly to me; but, she has far too much on her shoulders and has had too much on her for far too long. I do not want to add to her burdens. I don't relly feel that I have a "mother" to go to.
The short and the sweet of it is that I want MY mother. Tonight is one of those nights where I really, acutely feel the lack of that comforting, unconditional, female presence that it seems like everyone else in the world has. Tonight, I want to scream with the unfairness of it. Tonight I want to roll up into the fetal position and finally have some relief from the going on 25 years of not having that thing that everyone else gets to have. Tonight I really need it more than normal and the lack of it makes the intangible, irritable feeling even worse than it would be otherwise.
I want my mommy.
I am so sorry to hear these very words escape your lips for I was having that type of day the other day. I woke up having a horrible day and nothing seemed to go right for me. It wasnt until I decided to finally lay down and take a nap (after I had gotten up from being sleep all night). What brought me out of my misery from nowhere was two strangers who are fostering a abused and neglected dog that I am interested in getting to bring into my home and become a part of my family told me that they would allow me to meet Jessi (the dog). Let's just say that I am not a dog person this is really for my kids. I felt good after that but was still irritated. When I met her I knew at that very moment that she was special. I hugged her and kissed her (that is a major step for me). She told me through the look in her eyes when she looked at me that things would be ok because just like she needed someone to love her and I made a commitment to do just that, through her eyes she told me she would love me back.
ReplyDeleteThere will be days like this and I have learned to sleep it off because if I dont things go horribly wrong and the average person doesnt understand my pain because they havent had something so special ripped from their lives. I cry and cry. I miss my mommy so much. I want you to know that I am always here ALWAYS because I in fact feel your pain!
I love you Nik!!!
Nina, you are so right. Dads are dads and they can never replace a mother. I have to remind myself constantly that when I call my dad expecting a comforting voice that I can't get frustrated when he decides to turn the conversation to sports. I'll probably never learn and I'll still make those calls knowing very well that a dad and not a mom is on the other side. It is so frustrating not feeling fulfilled when you need a mother's answer. Miss you and our talks!
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